Childhood's End

Looks like childhood has ended.

Still, as I sit here in the last row of a Wizzair flight that shakes with turbulence, the last flight that takes me home after a year of exploration, it's not about nostalgy. Not too much, at least. At last.

After long years of analysis, introspection, debate with myself, today it is only a quiet nod saying ,,yes".

Yes, these are the things I have done, these are the things that happened in one year.

And yes, these are the things that I have learned.

I learned that wisdom is not about knowing things better - it's about being more calm, more quiet, more open.

I learned that excellence is not about judging myself bitterly - it's about understanding and learning from my own actions.

I learned that flexibility is not about lacking an opinion or a plan - it's about a wider perspective and the acceptance of insecurity.

I learned that mistakes do not exists - there are only consequences to my actions, and I learned to welcome them regardless if they were good or bad.

I learned that sacrifices do not exists - there are only decisions between our options.

I learned to form relationships and found joy and fun in caring for others and being cared for.

I learned a lot about the magic balance of reflecting on experiences but being ready to move forward at the same time.

I learned to always appreciate the small jokes life plays on me.

And now, it's not about nostalgy.

It's about ambition - not only about what to achieve, but also about who to become.

It's a strong will to continue the quest for the best within myself even higher, even better, and I'm already looking forward to even more surprises on the way.

I'm 24.

Three times 8 years have already passed, and I have the feeling that the next 8 is going to be even more extraordinary.

I am ready.

My time is now.

And as the plane lands, I suddenly know that it has always been my time, and it always will be.

The eye of the storm

Lately I think I started to discover the beauty of having a balanced lifestyle: spending time with meaningful things I like to do, reading A LOT and thinking about the books I read, being healthy, running across the city to unknown places if I wish to, sleeping 8 hours, doing exercises every morning and being happy about getting visibly stronger, not being obsessed with any men, finding time to value the people around me, watching movies, doing my job reasonably well.

Now I understand better how important the lifestyle factor can be in achieving happiness.

But still, if lifestyle was all, I might have wanted to stay for one more year, but I didn't want that. So I also understood that having my own purpose and creating my life with my own hands is even more important - because this lifestyle might be super nice, but in the end, its not real.

Still, this AI term has been a great decision, I knew I needed time to detach from all things that are not important enough to stick with me, and rebuild myself from the inside.

Right now I really feel like being a hurricane (my MC team called me that once): a whirlwind that is always on the move, picking up and dropping things, sometimes touching the ground for a while but not settling, places and faces changing all the time - but the core is silent and stays the same.

I feel like the eye of the storm.

Just some quotes from Jorge Luis Borges

,,The other one, the one called Borges, is the one things happen to. I walk through the streets of Buenos Aires and stop for a moment, perhaps mechanically now, to look at the arch of an entrance hall and the grillwork on the gate; I know of Borges from the mail and see his name on a list of professors or in a biographical dictionary. I like hourglasses, maps, eighteenth-century typography, the taste of coffee and the prose of Stevenson; he shares these preferences, but in a vain way that turns them into the attributes of an actor. It would be an exaggeration to say that ours is a hostile relationship; I live, let myself go on living, so that Borges may contrive his literature, and this literature justifies me. It is no effort for me to confess that he has achieved some valid pages, but those pages cannot save me, perhaps because what is good belongs to no one, not even to him, but rather to the language and to tradition. Besides, I am destined to perish, definitively, and only some instant of myself can survive in him. Little by little, I am giving over everything to him, though I am quite aware of his perverse custom of falsifying and magnifying things.

Spinoza knew that all things long to persist in their being; the stone eternally wants to be a stone and the tiger a tiger. I shall remain in Borges, not in myself (if it is true that I am someone), but I recognize myself less in his books than in many others or in the laborious strumming of a guitar. Years ago I tried to free myself from him and went from the mythologies of the suburbs to the games with time and infinity, but those games belong to Borges now and I shall have to imagine other things. Thus my life is a flight and I lose everything and everything belongs to oblivion, or to him.

I do not know which of us has written this page."

"I am not sure that I exist, actually. I am all the writers that I have read, all the people that I have met, all the women that I have loved; all the cities I have visited."

"A: Absorbed in our discussion of immortality, we had let night fall without lighting the lamp, and we couldn't see each other's faces. With an offhandedness or gentleness more convincing than passion would have been, Macedonio Fernandez' voice said once more that the soul is immortal. He assured me that the death of the body is altogether insignificant, and that dying has to be the most unimportant thing that can happen to a man. I was playing with Macedonio's pocketknife, opening and closing it. A nearby accordion was infinitely dispatching La Comparsita, that dismaying trifle that so many people like because it's been misrepresented to them as being old... I suggested to Macedonio that we kill ourselves, so we might have our discussion without all that racket.

Z: (mockingly) But I suspect that at the last moment you reconsidered.

A: (now deep in mysticism) Quite frankly, I don't remember whether we committed suicide that night or not."

2o1o - Pretty Good Year

Its a new day, its a new plan... Here I am.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6xr6VKg7sE

The sun is rising above Kaohsiung city. Its dawn, fog lies over the sea. The harbor is waking up.

Surreally beautiful sight from the 52th floor.

My application is finished.

The decision was made really, really fast. I became used to changing my life in a whim... But where is it leading this time? And how to make the most out of it?

I have decided on what I want to do... But have I decided on what kind of person I want to become?

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,,Ok, Ok, I'm coming in a minute, but does the restaurant have wifi?"

,,Are you kidding?! You dont want to have your laptop open on your brother's 18th birthday?!"

,,I'm sooooooorryy... The answer can come any time!"

And in the end the phone rings, and Hugo jokes about how well I can play pingpong. My uncle buys me whiskey, which I consume in one shot.

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It's easier to leave than to be left behind

Leaving was never my proud

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCvnGxfBfiw

Rotterdam. Sitting in the dark living room of our apartment, everyone else is asleep. A short break before the next week starts.

Feels very much... inbetween. Did I leave too quickly? Did I give myself the time I needed? Did I say my goodbyes properly?

I dont feel I processed well enough the last few months gone by in a frenzy, but now I am already here.

What is behind is long, heavy, valuable, and what is ahead is also grandiose. It is now a short time to observe, to learn, and to be a beginner - which is not easy to do after years of being an expert. Visibly there are also a few things to unlearn, and there are things I constantly have to remind myself of.

It is now a time of training and peace, but very soon, a lot will be expected from us. Still figuring out how to live up to it best.

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We are young, we are strong. We're not looking for where we belong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qm9d5wAXW5c

Total darkness. The moon is the only light, thick forest from both sides.

Prashant's playlist is faintly audible somewhere in the front.

Running on a belgian countryside road at 1 AM.

I can't believe I am here.

Still, now I much more feel this is my place to be. The transition in the end did empower me to take ownership of my role and my place in the team, and things are falling into place even more during the AI planning week.

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Sitting at the Eindhoven airport - already since 8 hours, beause the highly skilled airport staff managed to crash the passanger staircase into the plane.

Anyhow, after a smashing transition party and our first steps as fresh AI, I am visiting countries for the first time - going to CEC! A time to remind myself how not to lose connection with the ground after spending so much time in the office.

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The Himalaya's Dhauladhar range is just below my feet. 4-5 OOO m high mountains in the distance, bright sunshine, clear air, and apart from the sound of a waterfall from somewhere below, still silence.

HUhhhhhhhhh... very, very deep breath in.... and out.

Its done!

We finished delivering IC. I took so many responsibilities I can't even list, and yeah, I did feel like failing a bit here or there, but in the end, I'm content with what I delivered. And then I even conquered the Himalayas.

Sometimes I'm afraid I can't even realize how special it is what I'm going through.

Will I remember these moments the way I should? How can I carve the most important things deep into my memory?

Anyway, lets just stop now, look at the mountains and remind myself to be present in this particular moment, here.

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'Cause we gon' rock this club, We gon' go all night,

We gon' light it up, Like it's dynamite!

'Cause I told you once, Now I told you twice

We gon' light it up, Like it's dynamite!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUjdiDeJ0xg

On the road!

Flights, trains, airports, countries, people mixing in my head, the excitement of the first visits, understanding how different each country is, how many ways are there for me to make an impact and to help, how to connect with so many people...

The kind of intellectual challenge that I really value.

Singstar with MC Spain, discussions into the night with MC members in Romania, Q1 replanning in Czech Republic, rebooking cancelled tickets, trying to find airport in the dark in Madrid, sleeping on trains...

I love my job.

And it has just started.

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The hero's journey continues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y9yfMW1y4o

Three years have gone since I stepped on the journey that took me to where I am now.

Three years have gone, and the circle closes.

EuroCo closing plenary, tears shining in some eyes, even in my own.

How many journeys will start from here?

And as for my journey... I finally repaid some old debts to myself .

I should be leaving with an easy heart.

But today, it's still okay to be sentimetal.

Tomorrow, I will be back on the road, and the day after, I will be fine.

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Ülünk a téren, gitár a kézben, dalunk az égen száll

(Sitting in a park, guitar in hand, our song is reaching the sky)

A személyiségünk varázsa nékünk megélhetést kinál

(We are making a living out of the magic of our personality)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4liv_mAaak

Back on the road.

So how does it work?

Whats the secret?

I am not sure myself why exactly, but so far I somehow managed to connect and evoke trust really fast in different countries, different people, different cultural settings.

By the time I leave, nearly in every country I am percieved as a trusted friend who is trying to help.

How does it work? How do I work?

Of course the visits aren't prefect and there is always a lot to develop, but seems like I have some natural talent, some traits in my personality that make people trust me and connect to me.

So far its a subconscious ,,learning by doing" thing, I still need to decode it, but one of the main learnings from this semester definitely is about how to influence diverse people positively in very short time.

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Have you heard the news today?

I'm leaving town, I'm cashing out

This town's too small for me to stay

The time is now, I'm heading out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-9I9vTGSWA&feature=related

As the plane takes off, I gaze out the window.

The city is wrapped in a thick layer of fog. The mountains surrounding us only allow a few rays of the setting sun to pass through, which creates an orange-red, nostalgic atmosphere.

This is the last flight - finally returning home, to Rotterdam.

The words ,,leaving" and ,,arriving" are key for this semester. Not just in the physical sense, but intellectually and emotionally. Building, cutting, and re-building bonds with still keeping the sincerity of my attention has not been an easy thing.

For me, it may be the 12th country visit, but for them, it's the only time they can share with someone and ask for help. Radiating enough energy to provide emotional support can't be done without getting at least a bit emotionally involved myself.

And for me, who used to be very careful and slow in attaching to anything, and very rush and careless when leaving things, working out a balance has been and still is a challenge.

Understanding more about the balance of leaving and arriving is something I need for my whole life.

I'm learning.

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And as a final note about the story of the past 6 months...

We were never being boring

Cuz we were never being bored

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXqjlpARblM&feature=related

And alltogether...

Pretty Good Year

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpLCFph9iv4

Slice of life

Italy, night train from Milan to the Eternal City, arrival at 4:52.

Couchette reserved for 45 EUR.

Lowest bench, 1/3 occopied by my luggage, because there is no other place to put it.

I can still fit, I'm small enough.

White paper sheets and blanket.

Laptop open, headphones on.

Going to watch Event Horizon, the horror movie I wanted to see since I was 8.

Train is running, constant feeling of being on the move.

Feeling suddenly very happy about the whole situation, feeling thrilled, pleasured, small goosebumps.

This is my life.

This is where I'm gonna sleep tonight.

And I belong here as much as anywhere else.

Dear railway!

I love trains. THIS is real travelling.

Seeing the landscape pass by, imagining the railtracks cutting their way into the map, always finding new sights, weird city names, abandonded buildings that keep my fantasy moving. Following the parting tracklines with my eyes, and wondering where they might lead.

My favourite game is to stretch my imagination to find my own stories behind the interesting things I see. Why does that sidetrack suddenly end in the grass, why was it built at all? How can it feel to wonder inside that huge abandonded factory building? How would it be to climb that mountain in the distance, and look down on this train? How come there is so much water glittering on the cornfields, was there a flood? How is life in that small house in the middle of nothing? How did they put those safety nets on the rocks up there?

I can easily spend hours just gazing out the window.

This is real travelling - gaining experience with every milestone the train is passing by.

Flying is kind of ,,not fair", a bit like the cheats in a computer game. You just sit in the cabine, and then you are there, and the only experience you gained is about airplane food, silly movies and about how to sleep in the weirdest positions.

Airplanes are for getting from one place to another.

Trains are for travelling.

Stretch

“A mind that has been stretched will never return to its original dimension."

Albert Einstein