Today some small impressions gathered up to my mind to formulate the statement that my biggest fear is disappearing without leaving any trace.
It was more of a gut feeling then a clear mental conversation.
Because, you see - what trace? Trace in what? In mankind?
Mankind will be gone with time anyway.
Everything will be gone with time anyway.
So then - what trace?
Lets see. Imagine I'm dying, and I haven't done or had following things. What would really hurt?
- Didn't have children
- Didn't become a major decision maker who challanged the status quo
- Didn't write a book
- Didn't manage to understand what are the greatest question to tackle and meddled with idle things
- Didn't experience real love (love that I consider real and evolves to a strong partnership where we grow together)
- Didn't keep my friends and family relations
- Didn't do my random travelling and meditation around the world
Fuhh damn… all of these would hurt. Right now I feel like some would be utterly painful, some others are things I just need to do, some others can be forgiven if I knew I put all effort, but still, not having any of these would be a disappointment.
But still. Is that all to it?
And what if I am a major decision maker who has influence in the most important issues of mankind?
Maybe its not about the impact. The impact is unmeasurable and only last with humanity anyway.
It was always a bit more about becoming a better and stronger being, who can handle the hardest things. Its more about trying to find my limits as a human being.
And if its about that, then its clearly not just about work.
Its about relationships, training, spirituality, education, and work.
Just to be a being capable of more.
But then what's this fear of not leaving a trace?
Maybe I connect that with a measure of the evolution of myself.
Maybe this is the challenge I give myself - can I leave a trace in mankind? (a trace which reflects my values, of course, not a 3rd world war). Am I smart an capable enough to sort out problems which havent been sorted out by others?
So am I saying that…
…the evolution as a human being is more important then the trace, but the trace in mankind is the measure?
Hmm... Can be. But just keep in mind, that this can also change once I understand the world better.
